You do it without even realizing it.
Imagine every conversation you have as a scene in a play, where you’re playing a role. In this world, Stephen Karpman, a student of Eric Berne, the founder of Transactional Analysis, introduces you to his concept: the ‘Drama Triangle.’ This is a scene where conflicted, confusing, and sometimes unhealthy human interactions unfold. Essentially, Karpman’s Triangle is a concept that helps you understand how your communication is dysfunctional. Because these games are so ingrained in your daily life, naturally and instinctively. So today, I invite you to reposition yourself against your adversaries, to win every game.
Who plays what?
- Victim
Context: During a family meeting, Julie constantly complains about her job and colleagues. Julie: ‘Nobody appreciates me at work, it’s always me who has to do the most.’ In this case, Julie is playing the victim role. She feels oppressed and misunderstood in her professional environment, expressing a sense of powerlessness.Like Julie, we can position ourselves as victims when we feel the world is against us. It’s a bit like being the unfortunate hero of a drama series where everything seems to go wrong. We feel helpless and often seek compassion or understanding from others. - Persecutor
Context: In a conversation, Paul openly criticizes his friend’s career choices. Paul: ‘Pursuing a career in art is ridiculous. You should do something more stable.’ Here, Paul positions himself as the persecutor. He judges and denigrates his friend’s choices, adopting a position of superiority.When we’re in the shoes of the persecutor, like Paul, we become a harsh critic. We might think we hold the absolute truth and don’t hesitate to point out others’ mistakes. - Savior
Context: Lea notices her mother is overwhelmed and offers her help without being asked. Lea: ‘You seem overwhelmed. Let me help you.’ Lea embodies the savior role. She seeks to help her mother, even though she didn’t ask for it, hoping to relieve her.Being the savior is a bit like being a superhero without a cape, like Lea. We feel the need to intervene and save others, sometimes even without their asking.
It’s a gratifying role, but it often (usually) hides a desire for recognition or control. And this kind of situation can end like this: ‘But anyway, I didn’t ask you, leave me alone, I do it better without you.’ What we call the ‘twist’ or ‘switch.’ At some point, roles shift, and the persecutor becomes the victim, or the savior becomes the persecutor, or the victim becomes the persecutor.
Why does everyone play psychological games?
The answer lies in the hidden benefits they offer.
- The persecutor: ‘You annoy me, we really can’t talk to you’
Out of fear, anxiety, he often adopts a dominant and critical position, even brutal. He is satisfied with the idea that it’s thanks to his authoritarian behavior that he is the driving force of progress. He is convinced that ‘without me, nothing would happen.’
To get results and even obedience, he thinks it’s necessary to maintain this dynamic by convincing himself that conviction pushes for a certain aggressiveness.
His belief: act first (urgency. My need first) - The savior: ‘Oh dear, if you want, I can come pick you up’ Due to a lack of confidence, it’s the search for recognition that makes him so attractive. We’ve all heard or said, ‘Look at all I do for you.’ Hoping to be recognized and appreciated, he faces rejection.
His belief: must intervene (X is not autonomous) (I know what’s best) - The victim: ‘Anyway, I don’t have money, I can’t do anything’
Feeling powerless in the situation, she seeks to attract attention and receive sympathy. She wants to be at the center of concern, to feel valued. But her deepest desire to feel loved and cherished often clashes with the reality of human relationships, where she doesn’t always get the expected response.
His Belief: I can’t do it (I am not autonomous)
These games validate our beliefs about ourselves and others and reproduce familiar relational patterns.
What’s quite impressive is that we bite the bait without realizing it, all day long. Faced with a person playing one of these roles, we automatically take on one of the other two roles. And we play to lose. Because being in the triangle is not beneficial, as these are unhealthy relational dynamics, based on conflict, manipulation, misunderstanding, and implications that prevent authentic and balanced relationships.
How do we get out?
In 1990, Acey Choy published the Winning Triangle. He says that victims facing adversity should cultivate a perception of vulnerability, actively seek solutions to their problems, and develop better self-awareness. He advises those behaving as persecutors to adopt a more assertive attitude, constructively, without resorting to punishment. And encourages saviors to practice thoughtful kindness, without interfering in others’ affairs to solve their problems for them.
As Vanessa Borja, a practitioner in transactional analysis psychotherapy, often says, our speech should always be: Factual, Objective, and Rational, expressing only what I feel. By positioning ourselves this way, it’s possible to say anything to anyone, without causing conflict.
To conclude, the most important thing is to accept: A part of me felt scared, powerless, or abandoned, because it needs security, freedom, action, or love, that’s OK. It’s OK to react as a Victim, Persecutor, or Savior. However, if you want to have healthy relationships with others, it’s important to be aware of it, in others and especially in yourself, to then take enough distance to get out of it.
Psychological games are like Uno, the first to get out is declared the winner.
